What Works For Me.

I have spent the past couple of weeks doing a lot of thinking, very little training and lots of eating.  I have decided not to do the show in April.  I may do one later this season, but I still haven't decided.

The plan that I have been on for the past six weeks was not the right plan for me, so I have stopped.  

Here's the deal.  I've been bodybuilding for over 20 years.  There have been times where everything was on track, I looked great and I was happy.  There have been times when that wasn't the case.  I have done restrictive diets where I dropped weight quickly, but it wasn't sustainable.  I have been a "Cardio Bunny" and gained weight. I have gone vegan and not only lost weight, but lost tons of muscle and developed health problems.  I have been strong but fat.  I have been strong and lean.  I've tried it all and here's what I know to be true:  There are no shortcuts.

I know my body.  I know what works for me.  The only difficulty I have is lack of patience.

When I eat smart and lift heavy I get results.  Really great results, actually.  But it takes time.  I get frustrated.  I get impatient and I decide I need to do something to speed things up.  Let me tell you something:

This never works.  

My body doesn't respond well to lots of cardio, so spending an hour on the treadmill is not the answer for me.  HIIT a couple times a week works best.

My body doesn't respond well to low calorie diets.  I may initially lose fat, but I also will lose muscle and eventually gain all the fat back.  And then some.  

My body doesn't respond well to light weights for high reps.  I want muscles.  Big muscles.  Light weights aren't going to get me to my goal.

I need to eat fat.  Low fat diets put me in starvation mode and make me crave junk.  If I don't get enough healthy fats my skin starts to get very dry and my hands will actually start to develop really painful, deep cracks.

I can't have sugar.  For many reasons.  Not the least of which are common yeast infections and hypoglycemia.  My body is much happier if I don't have sugar.

Meat is good.  It just is.  Lots of protein, healthy fats and it tastes good.  I need to eat it.

Having said that, I am a foodie.  I love to eat.  I love to cook.  I need a flexible diet where I can eat foods that I enjoy.  IIFYM works best for me.

I don't enjoy working out in a group setting.  Classes really aren't my thing.  

I don't like being told what to do.  Trainers aren't my thing either.

February is always a very difficult month for me.  I get depressed, I hate being cold and often I dont even want to leave the house.  This is not the month for me to be strict with my diet and training because it's just not going to happen.  Then I fail and end up even more depressed.

So, where does that leave me?

I gave myself a break until the end of February.  No strict dieting and only training when I really feel like it.  No pressure to get to the gym every day.  No tracking macros.  

I took some time to re-assess my training and diet and wrote up a new plan.  Not surprisingly, it's actually almost identical to several plans I've done in the past.  I go back to these basics because they work for me.  I get results.  I look good, I feel good and I'm healthy and happy.  This is where I need to be right now, not dieting down, doing tons of cardio and spending a few months being miserable just so I can look good on stage before I rebound and gain a bunch of fat.  Then start the whole cycle over again.

I will do this the right way, so I can get lean and healthy and STAY lean and healthy.  I will be patient and consistent.

I will be happy.

My new plan starts March 1.

Frustration

The past two weeks have been rough.  After my last bi-weekly I had a reality check: Either stick to the plan, or find a later show.  Well, I stuck to the plan 100% for a week.  Lost a little. The second week wasn't as good, but still I was mostly on track.  Still, I am not seeing the results I want.  

Granted, I could be more compliant, but here is what I keep thinking:  I am still eating below maintenance.  I am not bingeing. I am doing a ton more cardio than I have ever done before.  Those 3 factors alone should be enough to get those numbers going down, but for some reason it isn't happening.  I don't think it's metabolic damage, but I guess it's possible.  Still, I was at maintenance for a few months before I started this plan, so I should have had time for things to balance out.  Either way, something needs changing.

Training.  Well, I'm not liking it.  Anyone that knows me knows that I really don't like cardio and I love to lift heavy.  The past 2 months I have done cardio every single morning and I have even started enjoying it and looking forward to my morning cardio sessions.  The lifting is not going well, though.  I mentioned this before, but this plan has forced me to lower the weights quite a bit in order to perform the very high number of reps ( 30, 50, 100 or more)  It's quite a change since, before this plan, "high reps" for me meant 10-12, with most of my lifting being in the 5-8 rep range. I am to the point that I no longer look forward to my lifting sessions.  In fact, I am starting to kind of dread them.  Lifting is my favorite pastime and something that I truly enjoy doing to feel strong, release stress and just feel good.  Right now I don't feel strong at all.  I'm worried that I'm losing strength and muscle. I need to change this.  Now.  

Yes, I want to have a rockin' hard body again, but I don't want to be miserable in order to get there.  If changing things up means that I can't do a show in April then I'm fine with that.  Maybe I'm not a person who should aspire to get on stage.  Maybe prepping for a comp is just going to trigger all kinds of fucked up things like a messed up metabolism, rebound, eating disorder, etc.  

Right now I'm just in a rough place and not sure which way to go.  I'm hoping to get a chance to talk with my coach soon about all of this and see what path she thinks we should take.  This is a huge part of my life and if I'm not enjoying the process then it just isn't worth it.

Curious about my coach, training or other stuff?

Check out my trainer, Coco Kissack, on Facebook

Slow Progress

I'm making progress.  It's slow, but despite my apparent best efforts at self-sabotage, I'm still making progress.

I love my plan.  In fact, it's a testament to how awesome my plan is that I am still seeing results by only sticking to it 60-70% for the past week.  I can give you a long list of excuses as to why I haven't been 100% compliant, but it doesn't matter.  In the end they are still just excuses. 

The good:  Cardio.  Yeah, I know.  No one is more amazed by my cardio than me.  Since I started this plan I have only missed one morning since Christmas.  Every damn day I am on that bike. Even when the temperature is -20 I am at the gym by 5 a.m. and SMILING and being friendly to people.  WTF? People who know me are shocked by it, but I am actually really enjoying it.  

The diet.  It's awesome.  It's well balanced. There is plenty of food.  Tons of food.  Some days I have a tough time even eating it all.  The only problem is my crappy willpower and poor planning. I deviate from my diet when I don't have my meals prepped.  I deviate from my diet when I'm over tired and I deviate from my diet when I am stressed.  Last week I had a couple nights with very little sleep.  I was stressed over my sick dog and I had PMS.  I gave in to off-plan food way too often.  Blah blah blah excuses.  I need to stick to the diet and that is that.

Weights.  My weight training has been shaken up quite a bit.  I didn't realize how badly I needed to change things until I got the new lifting plan last week.  I have had to let my ego go and drop the weights to increase the reps.  It's very different for me, but I think it's exactly what I need right now.  It's very tough, but in a different way than I am used to.  I missed two days entirely (insert more lame excuses) and had to train at home once.  

The bad: Abs.  This is definitely an issue.  All I can say is, "I suck."  I am not doing nearly as much ab work as my plan calls for.  Historically it's the area that I kind of slack on.  In fact, it was pretty rare for me to do any direct ab work at all.  I remember once, years ago, someone in the gym complimenting me on my great abs.  I guess I need to get my shit together here and see if I can find them again.

So, no more excuses.  My plan is awesome and I know that my results will be equally as awesome if I am compliant. The past few days at 100% I have felt great.  Very sore, but great.  I am determined to keep it up.

Curious about my coach, training or other stuff?

Here's a link to my trainer, Coco Kissack, on Facebook

The Last Big Binge

I am not proud of this post, but a big part of this process for me is accountability.  So, I'm writing this all down.

Once a week I have a meal that is off plan.  It's not a "cheat meal".  It's simply a reasonable meal, close to my recommended macros, that isn't specifically laid out on my plan.  It's something to keep me sane while I'm eating a fairly restricted diet.

Yesterday I had planned a cheat meal.

I knew a few months ago that it was coming, so I was kind of looking forward to it.  I have a nephew and 3 nieces who all had a birthday coming up.  I knew we were having a party, so I was looking forward to my mom's angel food cake.  It's kind of the staple birthday cake in my family, and it's awesome.

A couple of weeks ago I found out that we were having a family reunion on that day, too. I usually can't make it to those events because of work, but this one was on my day off, so I planned to go.  These are always potluck events, and while I didn't expect to find grilled chicken breast and steamed broccoli, I was confident that I could find something that would fit my macros reasonably well.

I started the day by hitting the gym early and then eating my egg whites for meal #1.  Technically today was supposed to be a "carb day" for my plan, but since I knew I was going to have a treat or two, I decided to go low carb for breakfast.  Lunch would be the potluck.

As is usually for these kind of events, there wasn't an overwhelming array of healthy food, but I chose some slow cooked poultry item for myself and a couple not-too-threatening veggie sides.  I was proud of myself as I sat down to eat.  As it turns out, the poultry (chicken? Turkey? Who knows?) was really dry and chewy and I couldn't manage to eat it.  It all went downhill from there.

There were desserts.

Lots of desserts.

My mom had made pumpkin bars with cream cheese frosting.  My favorite!  Every year at Thanksgiving we have those, but this year I didn't get to do Thanksgiving with my family so I didn't have any.  Well, I thought I deserved just one.  It was so, so, so good!  I inhaled it while discussing my plans for my bodybuilding competition with my brother. Of course, my kids wanted to try them too, so they each had one.  And a cookie.  They didn't finish them and I hate to see those yummy treats go to waste... Do you see where this is heading?

A few hours later we were at my parents' house and I was starving.  I mean, all I had for lunch were a couple pumpkin bars and some cookies.  Let's see what there is to eat.

Mom and Dad's house always triggers me to eat a ton of junk.  I know this, and I know I should have brought my food.  But it was a birthday party!  Who wants to being tilapia and asparagus to a party, am I right?  Besides, there are more pumpkin bars!  Cream cheese frosting!  Did I mention that my home town has the best pizza place in the world?  Obviously we had to order pizza from Maria's.  (My idea, of course). Then my mom pointed out that she had some brandy slush made.  Well, what goes better with pizza than booze?  Oh, and don't forget the birthday cake, and cookies to take home for the boys.

Train wreck, right?  I get kind of ill just typing it all out.  And I know my coach is going to be really disappointed in me. But here's the fucked up part:

I kept telling myself, "I've been working my ass off and sticking to my diet really well.  I deserve this treat."
What a load of complete, utter bullshit!
I've been working my ass off and sticking to my diet really well.  I deserve to look really fucking hot naked.

Once that thought occurred to me my entire mindset shifted.  I'm better than that.  I know I have a rockin' body under this extra 25 pounds and I deserve to see it and to show it off.

I'm hoping that yesterday was the last binge for me, but regardless I am back on track today and I have learned something important about this whole process.

102 days to the stage.  Weigh-in, progress pics and measurements in two days.  Need to get my shit together right now.


Curious about my coach, training or other stuff?

Here's a link to my trainer, Coco Kissack, on Facebook

Morning People

I am not a morning person.

Those of you who know me can attest to that.  To me, "early morning" is generally anything before 10 a.m.  I rarely am out of bed before 8:00.  For the past few weeks this has all changed.  I am now up at around 4:30 every morning so I can be at the gym by 5:00 for my morning fasted cardio.  And here's the crazy part:

I love it.

Seriously.  I love it so much that I was even there a few times before the gym even opened.  How crazy is that?  Me.  Early for something.  In the morning.  Weird, I know.

I don't love getting out of bed at 4:30.  Especially on those freezing cold mornings.  But once I am up and dressed and brush my teeth I am wide awake and ready to go.  I am out the door before I even have time to think about crawling back in my nice cozy bed, snuggling with all my boys.  (Hubby, two toddlers and a dog). And once I get to the gym I never have to wait for my favorite cardio machine.  It's always empty.  Just sitting there, waiting.  No one else has sweated all over it yet.  It's all mine.

So, I hop on with a good book, set the program and read for 30 minutes.

It's so awesome!  I don't even have to worry about getting called to the daycare to get my kids or anything.  Just me, my bike and whatever novel I happen to be enjoying.  Some mornings I'm even a bit sad when my 30 minutes is up.  I've been known to stay and do 45 minutes on occasion.  Especially if I need to finish a really good section of my book.

When I get back home I am wide awake and ready to start my day.  No one else is awake yet, so I can sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee in peace and quiet while catching up with email and Facebook.  I can even do some housework!  It's pretty cool, this whole "Morning Person" thing.

A few things about my contest prep.  Obviously I am now doing fasted cardio in the mornings.  Other than that, my training hasn't really changed for now.  My coach has modified my diet a bit, mostly just by throwing in carb cycling.  It's going well.  I'm still really satisfied with the food and not hungry.  Usually.  I have given in to cravings twice.  Damn you, Cheerios and fresh cheese curds!  However, unlike in the past, I have a little cheat and then move on.  I don't just say, "Fuck it!" And throw in the towel and eat everything in sight.  This is a huge shift for me.

I missed the gym twice, due to inclement weather.  I did still train at home.  It's not ideal, but at least I'm still getting it done.

I took photos and measurements last week.
I cried.
But, I know where I'm starting now, and I have my goal firmly in mind.  Nowhere to go but up from here.

I also have started working on my posing.  Hopefully it won't feel so ridiculous once I lose some of the weight.  The posing is really freaking me out, to be honest.  It's just really foreign to me.  But, it will come with time and feel more natural, I know.

Enough for now.  I need to be up in 6 hours to head to the gym.


Curious about my coach, training or other stuff? Here's a link to my trainer, Coco Kissack, on Facebook. 

In The Beginning...

I don't want to go into a lot of boring background here.  I'll start by saying that I know it's time for a change.
About a month ago, on a whim, I decided to enter a contest to win 6 months of coaching/contest prep from Coco Kissack at Zoe-Fit. I entered because I really wanted to work with Coco and because, after months of failed attempts on my own, I really need help getting back in shape. Well, actually, I want to get beyond any shape I have ever been.  I want to be lean, cut, jacked, ripped, muscular, bad-ass, sexy... Pretty much everything that I currently am not.

I'll save some time and just post my contest entry here.

My story:
I have been a bit on the chubby side my whole life. I didn't have any real issues, but always wanted to be a bit more thin. When I was in my twenties I discovered bodybuilding and I loved the look. I spent hours going through magazines, reading everything I could to help me get lean and muscular. I spent a lot of time at the gym and ended up with a body that, while I didn't love it, I was happy to show off. I hit a rough time in my life and ended up with an eating disorder. Everything kind of got thrown out of whack. Then I got pregnant and gained 60 pounds. I quickly lost 50, then got pregnant again and gained 60 again. Once again I lost about 50, but I've been stuck ever since. I've been so uncomfortable about my weight that I have developed a kind of social anxiety. I don't want to go out with friends because I don't want them to see what I look like now. I have almost no photos of myself with my beautiful baby boys because I'm embarrassed by my weight. My eating disorder came back because I was so angry at myself for gaining the weight, and because no matter what I tried the weight will not come off. For the past 2 years I have been struggling to lose 25 pounds and get back to not only where I am at a healthy weight, but where I feel happy with myself. I have finally decided that I need help and that I can't just do this by myself. I need to put my faith in someone whom I trust to help me reach my goals. I also need to prove to myself that I am strong enough to do this and that, at 40, I can be the person that I was always meant to be. My dream is to step on stage at a bodybuilding competition, and to prove to myself, and anyone that has doubted me, that I can do it.

It took a lot of guts for me to post that and then link it on Facebook for everyone (including old high school boyfriends) to see.  I kind of held my breath when I hit that "post" button, then for a second thought that maybe I should just skip the contest, delete the post and forget the whole thing.  But I didn't.  The result was wonderful.

So many people commented on my entry, voted for me, sent private messages, or stopped at work to talk to me about what I had written that I was really surprised. Everyone was supportive and cheering me on.  Even some of those old boyfriends!

I didn't end up winning the free coaching, but I decided to work with Coco anyway.  And then, for some reason, I decided that I might as well train for a competition.  Why not?  At first I planned on an October show, since that would give me 10 months.  Then I thought that I didn't want it to take 10 months, so I chose an earlier show.  April 26.  4 months away.  I realize that is not a lot of time for what I hope to accomplish, but I also know that I work well under pressure and having a closer show will force me to work harder and be more compliant with my plan to ensure that I get the results I want.

This week my job is to stick to my current training and the diet plan Coco gave me.  I was very compliant the first couple weeks, but between family visits, birthdays, sickness and Christmas it has been an ugly couple of weeks.  At least that means my starting numbers and photos will be even more horrible, so I will be even more motivated (and likely depressed) when I see them.

Enough for now.  Time to sleep and dream of proving everyone wrong,