Frustration

The past two weeks have been rough.  After my last bi-weekly I had a reality check: Either stick to the plan, or find a later show.  Well, I stuck to the plan 100% for a week.  Lost a little. The second week wasn't as good, but still I was mostly on track.  Still, I am not seeing the results I want.  

Granted, I could be more compliant, but here is what I keep thinking:  I am still eating below maintenance.  I am not bingeing. I am doing a ton more cardio than I have ever done before.  Those 3 factors alone should be enough to get those numbers going down, but for some reason it isn't happening.  I don't think it's metabolic damage, but I guess it's possible.  Still, I was at maintenance for a few months before I started this plan, so I should have had time for things to balance out.  Either way, something needs changing.

Training.  Well, I'm not liking it.  Anyone that knows me knows that I really don't like cardio and I love to lift heavy.  The past 2 months I have done cardio every single morning and I have even started enjoying it and looking forward to my morning cardio sessions.  The lifting is not going well, though.  I mentioned this before, but this plan has forced me to lower the weights quite a bit in order to perform the very high number of reps ( 30, 50, 100 or more)  It's quite a change since, before this plan, "high reps" for me meant 10-12, with most of my lifting being in the 5-8 rep range. I am to the point that I no longer look forward to my lifting sessions.  In fact, I am starting to kind of dread them.  Lifting is my favorite pastime and something that I truly enjoy doing to feel strong, release stress and just feel good.  Right now I don't feel strong at all.  I'm worried that I'm losing strength and muscle. I need to change this.  Now.  

Yes, I want to have a rockin' hard body again, but I don't want to be miserable in order to get there.  If changing things up means that I can't do a show in April then I'm fine with that.  Maybe I'm not a person who should aspire to get on stage.  Maybe prepping for a comp is just going to trigger all kinds of fucked up things like a messed up metabolism, rebound, eating disorder, etc.  

Right now I'm just in a rough place and not sure which way to go.  I'm hoping to get a chance to talk with my coach soon about all of this and see what path she thinks we should take.  This is a huge part of my life and if I'm not enjoying the process then it just isn't worth it.

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